a true story about loss & repair
One Block From The Top
She'd stacked it higher than ever. One block left. And then the whole thing came down. She didn't cry. She just went still, and held the last block out to me to fix.
the realization
Before you fix the tower, sit with the kid who's sad it fell. Name the feeling first, rebuild second. The lean into your shoulder is the win.
Your kid builds something taller than ever, it collapses, and suddenly the day is over. Maybe he cries. Maybe he just goes quiet and hands you the pieces to fix. Your gut says patch it fast so the hurt stops. Here's why sitting in the mess with him actually works better, and what to say instead.
have you ever felt this way too?
When the tower comes down, everything in you wants to jump in. It's okay, let's build it again, even taller. It feels kind. But a lot of the time the kid gets smaller, not calmer. That's because you skipped the part he actually needed. He's not asking you to rebuild the blocks yet. He's showing you he's crushed, and rushing to fix it tells him the sad part isn't allowed to be here.
So don't clean it up right away. Leave the blocks where they fell and get down on the floor next to him. You don't have to be cheerful or have a plan. Just be close. A young child borrows your calm before he can find his own, and he can't do that if you're already three steps ahead reaching for the next tower.
Put simple words to it. You built that so high. It was almost done. And it fell. That's so sad. This is the emotion-coaching move researchers like John Gottman point to: you notice the feeling, you name it, you let him know it makes sense. Naming a feeling out loud actually helps it settle, which is what Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson mean by name it to tame it. You're not making it worse by mentioning the sad. You're helping him carry it.
Watch what he does with his hands. Maybe he turns that last block over and over. Maybe he leans his shoulder into you. That lean is the whole thing. It means he doesn't feel alone in the disappointment anymore, and from there he can usually get up and try again on his own. You didn't have to talk him into it.
Once he's steadier, building again is easy, and now it's his idea instead of your rescue. If he wants help, help. If he wants to knock the rest down and start over, let him. The goal was never to prevent the tower from falling. Towers fall. The goal was to show him that when something he worked hard on breaks, he's got someone right there on the floor with him.
