a true story about autonomy
NO! Self! (She Smacked My Hand Away)
She smacks my hand away at the bottom of the stairs. The steps are twice as tall as her feet. And she still wants up.
the realization
I wasn't in her way because she didn't need me. She needed me close, but with my hands down. So I stayed one step behind, ready to catch, and let her do the whole climb herself.
It happened at the bottom of the stairs. I reached in the way I always do, and she smacked my hand right off her arm. No. Self. She said it like a full sentence, all two words of it.
have you ever felt this way too?
Those steps are so tall. Taller than her whole leg. So of course I reached in again, and she went stiff as a board and sat down hard on the bottom step. Her eyes filled up. But here's the thing I almost missed: she wasn't reaching for me. She wasn't done. She still wanted up those stairs, she just wanted up them on her own.
So I said okay. You do it. I'm right here. And I put my hands down and just stayed a step below her, close enough to catch if it went wrong. Tongue out, both fists gripping the edge, one giant slow step at a time. It took forever. I kept my hands where they were.
Second from the top she stopped. Turned around and just looked at me. And I looked back. Then she took the last step herself, and my hands never moved.
what I found myself saying
"Okay. You do it. I'm right here, just close enough to catch."
"I'm not going anywhere. Show me."
"You did it. You did it yourself."
